


My Dark Side

by gelandspray



Series: Lay It All Down [21]
Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, Mentions of Transmisogyny, Trans, Trans Character, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-14
Updated: 2015-05-14
Packaged: 2018-03-30 14:15:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3939895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gelandspray/pseuds/gelandspray
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some things become much clearer when Kurt and Blaine have a fight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Dark Side

**Author's Note:**

> I got my first injection yesterday and I'm graduating in two days, so I had the inspiration and time to work on this. Thanks to anyone who's sticking with me despite my lack of regularity! 
> 
> **Trigger Warnings: Internalized transphobia, mentions of transmisogyny, body dysphoria**
> 
> ****Reminder: I've basically thrown canon timeline to the wind. I'm respecting some things but I'm rearranging others. Stay with me, please.****

The first time they fight ( _really_ fight) it is over porn – but not in the way one might expect. Kurt isn’t upset that he finds porn on Blaine’s computer; he knows the stereotype about boys and he’s not going to be the guy to limit someone’s sexuality. It’s what the porn is about: Frat Boi Physicals – including one in a shower in a guy’s locker room.

It is the first time Kurt wonders if Blaine has been so interested in Kurt’s junk because it’s just a kink of his. Kurt had prepared for someone to like him _despite_ what isn’t in his pants and, when Blaine was different, Kurt began to hope, but now Kurt wonders if Blaine is interested in him _for_ his equipment. To make it worse, he found this after they just finished cleaning up after having sex. He was just supposed to find out the hours for a restaurant that recently opened, when he found the website. Now, he feels dirty. He isn’t just about to be someone’s toy, someone’s arm candy, something to be ogled.

Kurt starts to pick up all of his stuff to get ready to take off. He isn’t going to stick around to be humiliated, so he tucks his shirt back into his pants and slips on his shoes.

Unfortunately for his escape, Blaine walks in as he is tying his shoes.

“Crap. Does it close soon?” he says as he rushes to find clothes to throw on.

“I don’t know,” Kurt mutters neutrally.

“Then what’s the rush, baby?” Blaine asks.

“Don’t call me that,” Kurt snaps.

“Kurt?” Blaine questions, totally baffled.

“I’ve got to go,” he simply states.

“No, hold up,” Blaine objects. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing. I’m just going to meet up with Unique,” Kurt says and even as he tries to sound like he’s fine, he can hear how choked up his voice sounds and his hands can’t seem to cooperate to finish lacing up his boots.

“It’s not nothing,” Blaine insists, reaching for Kurt’s hand. “You’re shaking.”

“Fine,” Kurt says, exasperated, abruptly turning his body to get away from Blaine’s hand and crossing his arms on his chest. “If you have to know, I found the website.”

“Which websi—oh, Kurt. It’s just porn. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want you. It’s only that you’ve been so busy with Rachel and Vogue and NYADA,” he reasoned. “What we just did should show you that.”

“Oh, I’m not worried about you not wanting to _have sex_ with me,” Kurt assured.

“Okay?” Blaine asks dubiously. “Than what is it?”

“Frat _boi_ physicals? Honestly, Blaine? What am I supposed to think about that?”

“I’m thinking that it’s supposed to mean that I watched porn about bois, but I’m sure you’ll tell me otherwise,” Blaine scoffs.

“Don’t twist this on me! It _means_ that, counter to what you’ve told me, the parts are important to you and that my parts are part of some sexual fantasy you have. I should have known that I am only around to satisfy your fantasies when we had sex in the locker room, but I was stupid and caught up in the fact that you’d made an intimidating place feel like I belonged. So, tell me. What did you do? Look for some masculine person who was effeminate enough to maybe be a match for your fantasy? Or maybe you looked up all that stuff on your computer before you came back and that’s where you realized your kink and conveniently there I was to try it out with. Well, you’re going to have to go on the hunt again, because I’m out. I won’t be your boi arm-candy anymore,” states Kurt definitively.

“Kurt, this is ridiculous!” Blaine shouts. “How can you be arm-candy when, until recently, we could only be together in NYADA’s dark corners?”

“Don’t you tell me that what I feel is ridiculous, when the ridiculous thing is you leading me on all this time. You should have known that I’d figure it out eventually. And it’s _smart_ that I hid us as long as I did. Last thing I need is the mockery and sympathy of the NYADA population when they learn we’ve _predictably_ broken up. I don’t need to be followed around by whispers of ‘ _Anderson finally broke up with Ladyboy_ ’ and ‘ _Blaine finally dropped the sissy.’_ Thank you very much. I’m embarrassed enough as is without everyone else constantly reminding me of how I fucked up, how I turned into a gooey mess because of a boy.”

“Finally, we get some honesty,” Blaine scoffs more to himself than to Kurt, “I shouldn’t be so surprised that you used _my trust_ to convince me that the secrecy all that time was for our own good, that it was our business and our business alone, when it really was just because you won’t let yourself trust anyone. Are you really so jaded?”

“Can you blame me? There’s a lot not to trust from how I see it. I should have seen sooner that I’m a sideshow groupie to the rockstar of NYADA.”

“ _You_ said you didn’t want to be in the band! I asked you and you said you weren’t ready!”

“That doesn’t mean I liked it!” Kurt confesses accidentally, hopefully covering it up with a solid glare. He feels dangerously like he’s spiraling, so he just turns his back to head for the door before he gets too choked up to make his grand exit.

He doesn’t quite make it though.

“Kurt,” Blaine pleads, “just…please, look at me.”

“What?” Kurt snaps, looking Blaine in the eye even as he feels tears dripping down his cheeks.

“I watch that porn because of you, not the other way around. I will admit that I started watching it when I was trying to figure out what it all meant, how we would have sex, how I would feel and what I would do, but now I just like it on it's own. I didn’t pick you because I like guys with pussies or whatever, I picked porn with those guys _because_ I have you,” Blaine promises. “You were never a conquest. I’m in this.”

“And what if I don’t believe you?” Kurt asks.

“Then you need to think about what that means,” Blaine says gently, “You told me that I should talk to you about my insecurities and I think you should take your own advice. I’ve basically promised to give all of myself to you and I haven’t gotten all of you in return.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means, that I think you’re _amazing_ and _beautiful_ and deserving of every ounce of respect in this world. You just don’t seem to think of yourself that way. You seem to prepare for the worst at all times. You’re saying you were protecting yourself. Why are you so determined to believe that a break-up is inevitable? You don't think what we have could last?”

“Don’t twist things around to try to make yourself look good,” Kurt argues weakly.

“This is what I’m talking about, Kurt. I’m trying to be sincere with you, but you don’t want to believe it. You don’t think it’s possible that I _treasure_ you and you’re looking for something to tell you you’re right. Well, you’re not right. For someone who claims that not everything is about you or about how _I_ should feel like I can talk to you, you sure are making everything about you and you’ve certainly been holding a lot back."

When Kurt doesn’t falter in his straight face, Blaine sighs heavily.

“You’re right on one thing, though. You should go home. You should think it over. Talk to Unique about it or call your dad or something,” Blaine says coolly as he opens the door for him.

The thing is though, that Kurt doesn’t want to go anymore. He’s starting to feel defeated and he doesn’t want to leave Blaine behind now that he isn’t as unapologetically fired up. But he can’t demand to stay after he was ready to storm out, so he leaves.  
 

He thinks about calling Unique, but hesitates. It feels shitty to call Unique, who has had problems with trying to date a cis guy and transmisogyny really is a fucking doozy. How selfish can he be to call her and get advise about a fight he started with a guy who is pretty amazing? It’s selfish and he knows it and, even knowing it, he doesn’t know who else to call or what else to do. None of his other friends will get it and he definitely doesn’t want to talk about his sex life with his dad, but his dad has never really understood what his sex life might actually be like. Ultimately, his selfishness wins over as it so often seems to and he does end up calling Unique as soon as he steps on to the stairs outside Blaine’s apartment building. He resigns himself to sitting on the cold, hard steps as the phone rings.

“Hey, honey,” Unique coos when she answers the phone.

“Hey,” Kurt answers morosely. “I think I messed up.”

Unique tsks fondly. “What did you do, boo?”

“I argued with Blaine,” he begins hesitantly.

“What about?”

“He had 'frat boi physicals' porn and I mean boi with an ‘I.’”

“Okay,” Unique suggests as encouragement. “That means a whole hell of a lot of things.”

“It’s the transmasculine, pre-everything kind,” he clarifies, “and…I accused him of exploiting me for a kink,” Kurt says in a quick whoosh.

“Kurt,” Unique scolds.

“I know, I know. It’s just—what if it’s true? Since we’ve started having penetrative sex, he’s always so curious about my…you know,” he says and he cringes at himself, because apparently he can have sex but still can’t talk about anything past PG-level maturity.

“Honey, that’s not a bad thing.”

“But what if it _is_ because of the sex?”

“I don’t think he would be taking you out and serenading you and all that if he just wanted the sex – maybe at first to warm you up, but not for this long.”

“Well, then what if he is just fulfilling his curiosity? Am I supposed to wait for the curiosity to run out? For him to realize that, while this was a fun adventure in exploring sexuality, but he’s looking for a cis man to settle down with?” he confesses, thoughts pouring out of his mouth before he’s even had time to think about them or even realize that he’d really had these worries. “I mean I know that trans people are in porn and I know I’d be _pissed_ if there weren’t trans porn, but I’ve never been a fan of porn itself and just seeing it on Blaine’s computer and seeing myself in those pictures, those situations…I don’t know. I felt like I was the person in those videos. I felt like I could be boiled down to be just that.”

“Okay, honey, I’m going to ask you one question: Do you think that cis people can honestly be attracted to trans people?”

“Of course!”

“Then why couldn’t you have found someone attracted to you? Just because you’re trans?” Unique asks seriously.

“I-I don’t know.”

“I understand why you feel like this, Kurt, I really do, and God knows I’m not great at walking this walk, but you can’t let yourself do this. I catfished a guy because I felt how you feel, but you’ve caught a guy and you can’t let him go because of this. I see you together all the time, remember? You are so happy. You can’t let yourself ruin it.”

“I don’t know how to _not_ do this,” he confesses despairingly.

“I know, but I’ve heard that acknowledging it is the first step.”

“Everyone noticed but me apparently, Blaine included. He pointed out that my…hesitancy to go public was a sign of my trust issues.”

“That Blaine picks up quickly.”

“Yeah, then he kicked me out. He picks up real quick and _acts_ real quick too.”

“Were you being difficult?” Unique asks directly.

“Yes,” Kurt admits, ashamed. “But after years of watching relationships form, watch the people in them lose their heads, watch the relationship inevitably fall apart dramatically and emotionally, and then watch the school make fun of the weird kids and their dysfunctional relationships, I feel like being hesitant makes sense, like maybe if the others had been a little slower to jump in the deep end, then it wouldn’t have been so messy and embarrassing. And then I shot off my mouth about us and held his hand at school and, _thankfully,_ it was a Friday, so I haven’t had to go back yet and hear what people are saying, but now I’m nervous about what people are saying _now_ and what they will say in the future.”

“Boo, you know I understand the New Directions theatrics. But there is really only one question left that matters here: Do you still want to be with him?”

“’Do I want to be with him’ as in do I have the desire to be in a relationship with him or ‘do I want to be with him’ as in I have confidence it will all work out?”

“It’s a simple yes or no question, Kurt. _Do you want to be with Blaine?_ ”

“Yes,” Kurt breathes, because ultimately he doesn’t lack the desire to be with Blaine. He just lets fear creep in the back of his brain and poison everything.

“Okay then, then you have to see it through.”

“I’m scared. I feel like I’m standing on a precipice and I don’t know if I can take it if letting myself fall turns into letting myself crash and burn.”

“I know, honey.”

“No, you don’t, I mean, not exactly, because I haven’t told you that…I’ve been feeling like-like I love him – like I’m pretty sure I love him. Almost positive. Almost definitely positive. Almost certainly, definitely positive that I love him.”

Unique chuckles a bit. “You have a hell of a way to show it, boo.”

“I know. I’m such a _catch_ , aren’t I?” he groans.

“ _Kurt_ ,” Unique scolds, “what did we _just_ talk about?”

“Okay, okay.”

“Anyway, I can tell you, if he doesn’t leave now, I think it’s a good sign. Reunite with him and you’ll figure everything else out as you go. But you’ve got to let go of some of that control, Kurt.”

“Yeah, _if_ he takes me back, I’ll try.”

“Do you know what he’s doing right now?”

“I don’t know. I’m sitting outside his apartment building like a creep, so I know he hasn’t left. Maybe he’s watching porn,” he jokes weakly.

“Then, get your ass inside and kiss and make up with your man!”

“But, maybe he doesn’t want to see me.”

“Well, you’ll find out when you go up there.”

Even after everything, he still defaults to doubt and hesitates. “I don’t know, Unique.”

“Kurt, don’t make me get dressed, get on the subway, come to Blaine’s apartment, and drag your ass upstairs. I’ll do it. You know I will, but I won’t be as sweet by the time I get there.”

“You _really_ think it’s a good idea?”

“No, I think it’s a horrible idea. That’s why I’m pushing it so hard,” Unique deadpans.

“Fine, fine. I’ll go.”

“Finally!”

“Thank you, Unique.”

“No problem, honey.”

“No, really, thank you. This conversation might not have been the easiest for you and I want you to know that I’m grateful that you put up with my shit and I’m grateful for you and I appreciate you. I’ll do better and I’ll be better and I love you,” he vows.

“Love you, too, but you better not be coming back here tonight. I was just getting excited about having the place to myself and you have a man to kiss.”

“I won’t; I promise,” Kurt laughs.

When he hears the click of Unique hang up, he gets up, brushes off his pants, and turns to go back inside. The trip up the stairs and the act of knocking on the apartment door feels more exhausting than it should, but he just feels _heavy_.

It’s his luck that Blaine answers the door instead of Sam, because he doesn’t know how he would keep it together if he had to deal with Sam in this moment. However, he doesn’t feel all that lucky when he sees the look on Blaine’s face. He looks defeated.

“Can I come in?” he asks. And then when it doesn’t look like Blaine will say yes, he begs, “ _Please_.”

“Sure,” Blaine acquiesces, opening the door wider.

Kurt waits until they get to Blaine’s room before he says anything and then it comes out in a rush.

“I’m sorry, Blaine. I am _so_ sorry. I shouldn’t have said those things to you. I shouldn’t have _thought_ those things,” Kurt confesses. “You were _so_ right. It’s all my fault. Please, just, forgive me. I’ll make it up to you.”

Kurt feels like he’s sitting there forever looking at Blaine’s stony expression and wringing his hands and with each second, he feels more and more like he’s messed this up for good and, with the thought that he may never get it back, he realizes more and more just how _stupid_ he was being. He just wants to kiss Blaine and he wants Blaine to hold him. He wants to put his head on Blaine’s chest and feel his heartbeat and feel Blaine’s breath against his hair. He wants Blaine to trail his fingertips lightly up and down his arms until he shivers. He wants Blaine to whisper in his ear and tell him dirty things or sweet things or _anything_.

He wants to tell Blaine sweet things and dirty things. He wants to stroke Blaine’s hair just the way he likes until he falls asleep. He wants to kiss every inch of Blaine’s beautiful face. He wants to give Blaine a backrub until his hands have cramped. He wants to make Blaine dinner and breakfast in bed just to see him smile.

Kurt thinks all these things, but he can feel them all slipping through his fingers. He doesn’t even realize he’s crying again until he feels Blaine wipe a tear off his cheek with a handkerchief.

“ _Please, Blaine_ ,” Kurt chokes out.

Then Blaine lifts his head to look Kurt directly in the eye and gasps, “I-I _love you_ , Kurt,” as if the words have been ripped directly from his chest, from the flesh of his heart. “ _So much_.”

“You…you do?” Kurt asks in astonishment.

“I know this is the worst time to say it,” Blaine admits quickly, “If it’s too soon, don’t worry about it. I was waiting because I do stuff too soon too often – serenaded too many people I shouldn’t have serenaded – and I’ve made a lot of bold gestures in the past and it blew up in my face a lot and I don’t really know what I’m doing. I didn’t want to pressure you…but, I just want you to absolutely know that you could _never_ be just a good fuck to me.”

“I know. I love you too,” Kurt admits, in an act of bravery surprising to him.

“Wait. You do?” Blaine questions.

“Yeah,” he laughs, scrubbing away some more tears. “I know it probably doesn’t seem like it after all that, but I really, really do.”

Blaine swoops in for a kiss that’s rough, gritty, emotional and hungry. Blaine kisses him like he doesn’t know if today is his last day and Kurt gets so caught up in it that he just lets go and lets Blaine control it all. He just places one hand gently on Blaine’s cheek and the other clutching Blaine’s knee. When Blaine finally releases him, he doesn’t go far. He places his forehead against Kurt’s, looks straight into his eyes and, as they share breath, a more comfortable silence settles in.

“You’re so wonderful to me,” Kurt gasps.

“It’s easy when you’re so wonderful,” Blaine breathes.

“That’s so cheesy!” Kurt exclaims, near giggling.

“Yeah, but you love me anyway,” Blaine boasts.

“Yeah, I do. Even with all your cheese, I love you.” 

“I’m _pretty sure_ I’ll never get tired of that,” Blaine swears, leaning in for another kiss.

**Author's Note:**

>  **So, I didn't make ALL of this up:** [](http://s300.photobucket.com/user/sdillard07/media/Screen%20Shot%202014-06-17%20at%206.44.30%20PM_zpsqqxkoh8l.png.html)
> 
> Fun story is that I saw that it said "boi" when I watched the episode however long ago and it was sort of what inspired this series.


End file.
